Have you ever felt like you can no longer “hang-on” to your life? Have you ever felt like your life is on a path but you have no idea how you “got on it”?
Since my stroke and since losing my daughter, I think I’ve lost me (or at least the part that I thought was me). I shouldn’t complain, I nearly died, and I can know walk and talk, be a present mother. I’m healthy, relatively fit and have two healthy and happy little girls that I’m lucky call me Mummy. But something is missing still – I feel a huge void in my life and in my identity.
Where does this come from? How can I make sense of it constructively? I was speaking with Psychologist today and we discussed the reality that I got my positive reinforcement from my work, I got my sense of identity from what I did for work, not from my personal life. I was good at my job and enjoyed the thrill of being good, contributing to other people’s development, leading and being accountable for great outcomes and I miss it. I can no longer work due to my stroke and it’s something I just can’t seem to accept.
Many people have said I’m mad and how could you miss work? How could I miss the meetings etc? I don’t miss these logistical things, but I miss outcomes and delivering to/ exceeding people’s expectations – I miss the thrill of showing people that me and my team can do great things. I miss inspiring people to be the best version of themselves and to find ways to light a fire in a person and see them flourish.
I’m hard on myself, I always have been. I find it really hard to be “happy” with mediocracy and it’s not something I want for my girls either, but I also want them to know that whatever they choose as their life path is totally fine with me and their Dad, as long as it fulfills them and makes them happy. Then I think of me – What fulfills me? What makes me happy? And I can’t answer that question easily, but I do that not having purpose or goals beyond my role in our home is really challenging for me. I adore my girls, and I appreciate how precious they are, especially as I had to give Charlotte back the day she was born.
So, I need to work on find happiness and fulfillment in this “new version” of my life. Look for a purpose I can wrap my arms around and try to find ways to feel like I am accomplishing something that is worthwhile, that doesn’t involve working or climbing the corporate ladder, so to speak.
At the end of the day, most people want to feel loved, appreciated, and secure, and I don’t think I’m any different to be honest, but I feel like I want more. I know I’m loved and we are lucky enough to secure enough that I can not work and focus on my rehab (which is a part time job in itself), but I can’t but feel like there’s more I should be doing, more I should be giving and achieving – It’s just finding what that is and going after it relentlessly.
If you are still reading this, firstly thank you and secondly, I would love to hear if you can overcome anything similar or have any words of wisdom for me or other like me as I think I might be close to my breaking point if I can’t solve this.
Please leave your comments below and as always, thank you!
For my darling girls, all three of you
Alyssa Kent
www.ak-books.com